The other day I let something evil crawl in my head. I had fallen back into a way of thinking I hadn’t had in quite a while.
When I was growing up I had some up and downs in weight. Mostly because I had a child of divorce and had different eating patterns for each household.
I was shamed every time I’d come back to my house for how much weight id put on and how I was to make sure to be active to work it off. Many don’t know how I felt forced to play sports until I eventually did love them. So this happened every year and every year I’d feel worse and worse about myself and would make deals that I would run outside as exercise to make sure I didn’t gain weight. Well that didn’t work either.
As I grew older and changed schools I had found myself with a full time bully calling me fat all the time. And with a last name that was easy to pick in too it was a little hard for me to say the least. Yes everyone I know has had something said to them in their life but this was an everyday event for me. I got so low in self worth and so desperate to feel included. I wanted to stop the kids from teasing me.
So... what did I do?
Not anything healthy to say the least.
I stopped eating. I played sports. I ran all the time. And again I stopped eating.
I remember people asking me how I did it. How I managed to look so good. how impressed they were.
I just always smiled and shook my head.
High school came and much the same but now I was working out harder and more often. I had to eat but again i portioned myself.
Senior year I remember I weighed the most I had all high school. And again people talked about me being too big. But then I was about to leave there.
Beginning of college I had a boyfriend. He took one look at me and put me on a once a day meal diet. Dressed me how he liked me yo dress and made me go to the gym every day. He said this was because I needed to make sure I didn’t end up looking like an obese cow. I lost a ton of weight confidence and mentally was exhausted from the abuse.
we broke up and I went to a new college out of state.
I was still small my fist semester with no money and only dining facilities to eat at.
fast forward to 2016. I’m diagnosed with pcos and the heaviest I’ve ever been up to that point. I felt my body was failing me and felt so ashamed of myself again.
ive had two kids since then and still am not sure when I’ll ever lose weight to where I was in 2016.
I feel compared to people that don’t have any the complications I’ve had. I feel like I have been at a good place of being proud of beating pcos and having the ability to birth two beautiful children. But others see my fat as a problem Or a comparison tool to say I’m not doing enough or if I’m smaller than her then I’m doing good.
so let’s get to the real reason I’m writing today.
the other day I had someone “gift” me health magazines. They said they thought i would like them and specifically pointed out one article of how a size 20 lady lost weight successfully.
first. I’m not a size 20. But ok.
second. I don’t understand the gift.
third. I am now thinking that everyone is judging me.
I cried all the way home and all that night up in my room holding my kids.
there is nothing wrong with my body. its carried two children I never thought I could have.
I know that I don’t talk about the things I’ve had to endure growing up. But this time I’m speaking up.
I hated my body. I hated everything about it.
I dont hate it anymore but that mentality creeped back up at me. I was so low and ashamed for my body again. I hated feeling that way. I asked myself why I let that comment get to me. And it’s because I’ve been judged my entire life based on weight. You can’t be happy if you’re not skinny and wealthy.
well that is some bullshit! I am not skinny and not wealthy and I’m telling you all right now, I am happier than most.
as I explore these feelings of how I’m appreciating my body for the miracles it’s produced, I wanted to share with you all a story of my set backs to say you aren’t alone. You have valid feeling of being upset or not good enough for whatever reason people made you believe. But all is not true. All that matters is how you feel about your own self. Can you look at yourself and say your proud of where you have come? if yes then smile and don’t worry about anyone else. If no, change it with it without help of others.
I am a story in the making. I have setbacks falls and uncertainty.
bug I also have triumphs love and appreciation of the setbacks falls and uncertainty.
I am here cheering you on while you find your inner strength to fight your own evils of the world.
you can overcome them and tell your story to the world. You never know who needs to hear it.
